Apr 26, 20217 min read

Divorce

The unfortunate truth is that not all marriages last a lifetime. 

Knowing when it is over is the beginning of a new life and the end of an old one!

Divorce is one of the most destructive, emotionally traumatic experiences a human being can go through, no matter if you’re the instigator or the recipient. It’s hard, and it hurts, and it takes a long time to feel normal again.

When I got divorced, I eventually came to the painful realisation that I had trusted my relationship would last just by being in love, through envisaging what it was like in my mind, whereas in reality over the years we had grown apart and wanted different things in life.

Started to take each other for granted, forgotten how to communicate, amongst other things.

After nearly 14 years married and 20 years together we had run our course - it happens.

It is easy to think that as a married couple we can change each other to how we see our lives being together. How the other person thinks or behaves and the way they treat or act towards us. Assuming we all think the same, want the same and just because we love each other that's enough.

Misconceptions of marriage?

Putting others needs first

"If I try harder to make the other person happy and pandering to their needs I am being a good person".

Reality: Whilst ignoring your own needs eventually this leads to resentment and unhappiness.

Myth: Choosing to have children together will instantly make you stronger.

The decision to have children if immediately or in the future needs to be discussed openly and honestly. Children become their own characters and people, they need to be loved, cared for, supported and encouraged by both parents.

Childcare is not just one person's responsibility where they sacrifice a career, put the child first and get no help or support.

A parent cannot continue to live the life of youth, for example.........pub every day, mates more important than family, working 7 days a week with an excuse not spending time together. Being self centered to this extent is destructive and selfish.

Holding back on your own dreams and desires

In holding back on your goals or dreams, wants and desires you are not being honest and true with yourself or your relationship.

Thinking the other person is responsible for your happiness or success.

Reality: Learning to love yourself first is the key to being happy.

Being responsible for your own decisions, responses, actions and goals not blaming the other if things dont work out.

I know we think and want the same things

In thinking we automatically have the same values and outlook for the future is a common misconception. Without open and honest communication this is simply not true..

Do not assume that this is something you instantly know about each other, just because you are in love.

Thoughts people have.....

Just because we love each other made a commitment to get married that's enough to stay together.
Coming from divorced parents and thinking/saying it will never happen to us is not enough to ensure it doesn't.
Ignoring problems for fear of talking about them do not make them go away and disappear.
Marriage will not automatically make you closer as a couple.
Your spouse will be the only emotional support system you’ll need, it's important to have other people in your life too that you love and enjoy being with.
Your spouse will know everything you want without having to say it.

Communication is key

In reality without clear communication, being open and honest with each other, talking about the difficult things in life, facing problems together, working things through allowing changes and time.

In life we change our perceptions, desires and needs at different life stages, from being a child, a teenager, reaching our 20's. 30's 40's and beyond.........

Support and encouragement, understanding that at times we may feel angry and upset but its talked about and not hidden and talked in a calm way not by shouting and arguing.

After spending many years trying to change people the reality was the only person that needs to change is you. By this I mean you need to learn to love yourself, who you are, what you look like and be able to express emotions, thoughts and feelings.

Being married isn’t a finish line—it’s the beginning of an ongoing process.

When things start to change

Surrounded by people who are narcissist has you believing their views.

Trust is the key to a good relationship

There are many situations that can cause divorce or relationship breakdown and everyone's life journey is different.

Reaching that decision

For me it was the realisation that you can't please everyone in being forced to live by other people's standards whether this is a friend, family or a loved one.

Reaching rock bottom and realising my life is not how I wanted it to be, it felt like my life was falling apart...... when actually in time I could see it was falling into place.

Things happen when you least expect them – things that can change your whole life.

Negative emotions are often catalysts of great change.

Crying holds the power of healing.

First, ask yourself ......... what I would advise my daughter/son in a similar situation (leave). Second, what model of a marriage I was showing my children if I stayed.

You don’t always need a plan. Sometimes you just need to breathe, trust, let go and see what happens.

The future needs your attention. It has something beautiful to offer you, but first you must let go of the past in order to receive it.

Those who attempt to hold onto the past sign up for a lifetime of frustration.

The pain of divorce doesn’t last forever – despite how it might seem right now.

Most friendships change when one of the friends divorces. Some friendships can’t weather the changes and others become stronger.

I don’t see divorce as a failure. I see it as the end to a story. In a story, everything has an end and a beginning.

New Life - What do you want from life? 

The moment you start to wonder if you deserve better you do.

Good things happen when you set your priorities straight 

Learn to love yourself first

Make peace in mirror and watch your reflection change.

Be your own kind of beautiful.
Believe in yourself.
Be true to who you are.
Keep moving forward.

New love

Find yourself first .......

My younger self thought had to be in a relationship to be loved NO you need to love yourself first to be in a relationship.

Sometimes you have to forget what’s gone, appreciate what still remains and look forward to what’s coming next.  Even if you dont know what that might be.

There is a life after divorce if you believe you deserve one. It all starts with you.

Starting with the hope for happiness as a single person again, find out about yourself take time for being you.

Learning to be civil after the hurt takes time but it is possible.

This is called the “finding yourself” stage, and urge you to have no shame about it.

During and after divorce, your emotions may remain taught, frayed, or short-wired. In making the everyday decisions may seem daunting and scary but in time you learn to be strong, because you want to be the best you can be and set an example to your children.

Show them you can stand tall instead of falling apart.

But you will have bad days, just like we all do remember you are human.

If possible avoid venting about your Ex to your children, let them learn for themselves truths, lies and boundaries, show you are the better person.

When dealing with your children directly, among the best things you can do is to acknowledge their pain and perspective and not badmouth their lost person show them you love them and just listen.

In the wake of the space left it’s important for you to touch in with yourself and find new hobbies and interests—this will help you discover new people.

Look for ways You Can Yourself

Here are some ways that you can make sure you are getting the most from yourself, the through a concept of the Law of Attraction.

1. Be Clear

Make sure you are clear on what you want, what makes you happy, how you want to spend your time, new hobbies and interest to help you with your journey.

2. Focus

Imagine what you want to achieve, and hear, touch, feel and taste a positive outcome in your imagination.

When you can forget about any worries or stress you have, and choose to focus on what you want to achieve, this can improve your vision.

3. Start to believe

Your imagination is a way to dream, plan and think and create a vision board or write a list

4. Letting Go and grow

In time your thoughts and ideas will start to show growth like seeds growing into strong healthy plats. Sometimes you need water and rest, other times the sun helps you to feel strong and grow tall.

Free your mind of negativity, thoughts and feelings using meditation, yoga, tai chi, or other forms that you prefer.

Deep breathing works for me.

5. Watch for opportunities

Keep your eyes and mind open if you've asked for a romantic relationship, don't sit at home. When the time is right do things to meet people or go on dates again.

Speak, walk, talk and breathe as if your reality has already changed for the better, start to believe life will change in time when its right for you.

6. Worry less

Maybe you think you have done everything possible to achieve a successful outcome, but remember results can occur quickly, or slowly. Continue to expect a positive outcome and accept opportunities to achieve your goal.

7. Live With Gratitude

Always be grateful for the simple things in life. Write down in journal daily the things that you are grateful for in your life.

Think about The Life You Really Want Today…

Debbie Crouch